The XX.

The xx is a band that can make you double take upon hearing their soft spoken lyrics and heavy yet subtle beats that drive their music. Look at me I sound like a reviewer. I have turned to the xx recently because they are great for enhancing your depressing feelings by allowing room for introspection along side enjoyment of their music. Why might you ask am I talking about the xx, simple my life is depressing me. 

I have this friend.. Well I have two friends but either one could be that friend. Anyways, Octavio is a very homosexual person that I have known since freshman year, Russell was my best friend in kindergarten and then he left and after we would periodically see each other at ALPS. Octavio and I started to become closer to Russell recently (by that I mean all get high together and fuck shit up more or less) and a few nights ago Octavio called me at one forty in the morning drunk out of his mind. We started to talk about what had happened and at one point he blurted out: "Im not a virgin and I blew Russell, and he sucked my dick!" It was a lot to process that early in the morning especially since Russell is straight and he also sucked two gay dudes off. 

I am one of those people who doesn't give a shit; not in the fuck off I really couldn't care less way but rather the I don't judge, hang loose sort of guy. It's a way I wish more people would see me as because I feel like they'd  would be more fun since they don't have to worry. The problem with our culture today is that nobody wants to be laid back anymore, they all crave something that will make them feel like they are important enough to care about. They do this with by tethering to people and not allowing that person to live the fullest that they can because they will always have to worry about the person that keeps tethering onto them. It over complicates all of things that should be simple pleasures. Maybe this is why I don't want a relationship.

Back to the point. My life is filled with people that like dick, my friends are either gay or girls and although I love Octavio like a brother it was nice to have Russell as one of my best friends that was straight. We could talk about things... that are straight... or something like that. Although I don't give a shit and still look at Russell as a straight man, I can't help but feel that their gay experience has made the two closer and I don't know if Russell and I will be as close and it bums me the fuck out. I kind of have a man crush on Russell and wanted us to be like Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly in stepbrothers where they were best friends that just clicked. I didn't want to exclude Octavio because he is awesome and even though I don't tell him that enough it's something I don't want to lose. I wanted us all to be best friends but I don't know if that will happen now. 

When Octavio told me about his night with Russell, I had to stop and think so I turned on the xx and it all because glam rock history. I don't know where we stand, Russell and I, and it is incredibly frustrating to not have any contact with my two best friends to talk it out. Even if we were together, they probably wouldn't want to talk about it and it might just become awkward to the extreme. I need to keep my head clear and turn off the xx. They have been good to me but being depressed and pensive for too long just doesn't suit me very well, neither does cutting but that's another talk for another time.  

Christopher Michael Estrada

This video is just.... wow. I could not have filmed it any other way, it really shows that people in other countries have some competency.

How not to become a Hipster.

          I feel out of place. I am not an extreme introvert that can go around to people and immediately not be awkward like some some people can. I also cant be an introvert that wants to talk about idiotic things and manga all day like others can. I almost went down that path in my elementary career: the Asian persuasion where Japanese comics and shows are ALL that you talk about to with your friends and be infatuated with Asian culture. Although I do enjoy watching Naruto sometimes, that is definitely not me.

          On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have those girls that want to be fooled around with by guys, and those guys that want to talk about the laborious parts of a bike and sports. If you don't do any of these things, it won't work out to well. I much rather prefer to go and have fun with people that wont judge the things that you like or don't like. People that will get high and fucked up with me that will say the words bitch and nigga and shit that just want to chill and not take anything too seriously. That is what in my life right now and i feel like this need is not adequately being fulfilled at the moments.

          People become passively defensive about things that they don't necessarily like. Sure they can be nice about it all they want and be "cool" with it but they fail to embrace all of someone which is why they start to tolerate you, not your friend. "Why can't we all just be friends?" sounds like something a hippie stoner from the seventies would say but i feel like it is true. My school has become so divided... well that and they are probably the non-embracers that I expect. I am not saying that all kids from other schools embrace everything that comes at them because they most definitely are not but that kids from other schools, even some from my own school do meet some of my expectations but for the most part don't.

          I feel like the people that I am trying to explain is are those that society recognizes as hipster. Let me be clear about what my definition of hipster is. First, the word hipster is and will only be a lifestyle that society would like to obtain but can't therefore calls those who can. People who want to be hipsters and emulate them in their being are labeled as hipsters because they are the closest to reaching the unobtainable goal of actually being a hipster. The reason that it is unattainable is because they are trying to get there. The keyword here is trying, trying to become something that can't be obtained. The minute that you try to become hipster you most certainly are not.

           I have been talking about this "goal" but have not really explained what it is yet. Well it is to have a good sense of style that is something that you wear to satisfy you. It has to be something cohesive in an acceptable way. That may sound like i am contradicting myself and implying that you are dressing for other people but if wearing fishnets, chaps, and a Hawaiian shirt truly makes you happy, you're mentality is probably borderline psyche ward patient and sad old person that want to be young again. If you want to dress hipster, you have to dress by mixing style and age.

       

I wonder if the teachers ever get tired of bullshit from kiss-ass students. I sure as hell do.

Cousins, They Are Some Crazy Shit

It's amazing how as we grow up (and as a person), we notice the things that we once thought were bad or even good can change as quickly as our own childhood passes. The way I like to explain it is that when I was smaller, people just were and not just existing but they had a role and that really was it. They had attributes to them, but you don't pay attention as much because as a child, abstract concepts just do not exist, therefore we don't notice them. For example, my Tio Ralph. Again he did serve much more than my Tio that worked on cars. But as I gained new "tools" for viewing the world I could see depth within him such as in the way he talks. It reminds me of a middle aged black man, (something that i just never noticed) which makes sense considering he was raised by a black stepfather, but that's besides the point.
On my moms side of the family, I was raised that touching the asphalt in the street without someone holding my hand was wrong, so one can imagine their stance on bad words and drugs. When I would spend time at my cousins on my dads side it was a different story. They had much more freedom to say and do what they wanted such as crossing the street and saying bad words. So I naturally liked going to their house growing up to escape the femininity that i mostly grew up with and embrace a more masculine setting. Well one day my cousin told me that he smokes and after that day I just thought wow I would have never guessed because the idea of drugs was bad and the concept of a family member doing it was so foreign to me that it came as a surprise not as a shock. One day i told him that i wanted to try weed and so he did it with me and the rest is history.
Soon after, me and him just got super close to the point were I was going to his house every weekend. Recently we went to the movie and he told me something that I would have never expected. He explained to me that he a brother to brother conversation with none other than his brother. He had asked him if he'd ever gotten drunk and he said yes, he'd already been to a high school party. Then his younger brother said that he knew what he was going to ask next "are you a virgin?" (which actually wasn't it) but he answer and said three times, once at a room in a rave no less. The last question he asked his younger brother was whether or not he had done weed and he replied "only once". So he explained that he himself does weed regularly. After hearing about his own brothers exploits, he confessed that he had done weed more than once.
The thing that surprised me the most about this story, as he explained it, was that as a last remark, his younger brother said that the one thing that he would never try again was coke. We are learning about topics such as bodily autonomy in school but keep in mind, this is a thirteen year old kid that has had more action than myself. I don't think that what he was doing was bad, it just brought me back to the reality of life: nothing is as it seems. We just learn to view the world in different ways which I feel, leads us closer and closer to maturity.

I Sound Like A Little Bitch

I don't know what to do anymore, I just feel as though we have gotten a little more separate. I mean without the drugs we are nothing or rather we have nothing to talk about. I guess it's me.. Or her.. I don't even know. I just have the sinking feeling like if we were in a relationship it would be awkward and end in like a week. Maybe she just doesn't like me and really wants someone else. I just don't want it to be weird. This is Weird. I need to grow a pair. I don't know I just have so many doubts what if I lay myself out there and it just blows up.

Competition.

It makes us do some crazy shit, but at least it helps to understand what we are willing to do to get what we want. Even if the reward is something ephemeral, we have an inherent urge to seek it, but it is what we value that keeps us in it to win it. Right now I have identified a common goal between me and a friend that I once considered to be close (due to lack of communication i don't know where we are) have. The prize (maybe a degrading term to use) is someone that I have gotten close to in the last year or so.

I wouldn't say that it is a competition, because although I know that my friend KNOWS I like this person, he doesn't know that i have set my sights on that person in counter to him, and have already analyzed the situation. When I think about it, I can't seem to find a legitimate reason to justify how childish this may sound. I know that I should let the cards fall where they may so to speak, but I can't help to envision the satisfaction of not only getting the girl but crushing the little prick in the process. I find this person great but It gets harder and harder to relate to this friend because of the gap that lies between himself and I.

My biggest problem is that I am half introvert that hates everyone and half extrovert that just wants to be surrounded and liked by everyone (something that I envy about this friend). I think that I need to take a step back and let loose because right while I am here contemplating the thoughts that I have, I am a slave to the introvert that lingers in the social aspect of my life while my friend lives a fine life of full extrovertness.

My second problem is that I am a big pussy (an introvert quality that has always held me back). The rationale in my mind is that I liked her first therefore you should back off, but when I was able to make a move, I didn't. I am extremely fond of this girl, I just let my fear of not only rejection but also of a relationship (something that I have not even been in) stop me from going up to her and asking her out. I still feel like there is a subtle rivalry (in my head) that I want to win, but now, I feel like I want to win to help out my own self-esteem as well.