Competition.

It makes us do some crazy shit, but at least it helps to understand what we are willing to do to get what we want. Even if the reward is something ephemeral, we have an inherent urge to seek it, but it is what we value that keeps us in it to win it. Right now I have identified a common goal between me and a friend that I once considered to be close (due to lack of communication i don't know where we are) have. The prize (maybe a degrading term to use) is someone that I have gotten close to in the last year or so.

I wouldn't say that it is a competition, because although I know that my friend KNOWS I like this person, he doesn't know that i have set my sights on that person in counter to him, and have already analyzed the situation. When I think about it, I can't seem to find a legitimate reason to justify how childish this may sound. I know that I should let the cards fall where they may so to speak, but I can't help to envision the satisfaction of not only getting the girl but crushing the little prick in the process. I find this person great but It gets harder and harder to relate to this friend because of the gap that lies between himself and I.

My biggest problem is that I am half introvert that hates everyone and half extrovert that just wants to be surrounded and liked by everyone (something that I envy about this friend). I think that I need to take a step back and let loose because right while I am here contemplating the thoughts that I have, I am a slave to the introvert that lingers in the social aspect of my life while my friend lives a fine life of full extrovertness.

My second problem is that I am a big pussy (an introvert quality that has always held me back). The rationale in my mind is that I liked her first therefore you should back off, but when I was able to make a move, I didn't. I am extremely fond of this girl, I just let my fear of not only rejection but also of a relationship (something that I have not even been in) stop me from going up to her and asking her out. I still feel like there is a subtle rivalry (in my head) that I want to win, but now, I feel like I want to win to help out my own self-esteem as well.