Cousins, They Are Some Crazy Shit

It's amazing how as we grow up (and as a person), we notice the things that we once thought were bad or even good can change as quickly as our own childhood passes. The way I like to explain it is that when I was smaller, people just were and not just existing but they had a role and that really was it. They had attributes to them, but you don't pay attention as much because as a child, abstract concepts just do not exist, therefore we don't notice them. For example, my Tio Ralph. Again he did serve much more than my Tio that worked on cars. But as I gained new "tools" for viewing the world I could see depth within him such as in the way he talks. It reminds me of a middle aged black man, (something that i just never noticed) which makes sense considering he was raised by a black stepfather, but that's besides the point.
On my moms side of the family, I was raised that touching the asphalt in the street without someone holding my hand was wrong, so one can imagine their stance on bad words and drugs. When I would spend time at my cousins on my dads side it was a different story. They had much more freedom to say and do what they wanted such as crossing the street and saying bad words. So I naturally liked going to their house growing up to escape the femininity that i mostly grew up with and embrace a more masculine setting. Well one day my cousin told me that he smokes and after that day I just thought wow I would have never guessed because the idea of drugs was bad and the concept of a family member doing it was so foreign to me that it came as a surprise not as a shock. One day i told him that i wanted to try weed and so he did it with me and the rest is history.
Soon after, me and him just got super close to the point were I was going to his house every weekend. Recently we went to the movie and he told me something that I would have never expected. He explained to me that he a brother to brother conversation with none other than his brother. He had asked him if he'd ever gotten drunk and he said yes, he'd already been to a high school party. Then his younger brother said that he knew what he was going to ask next "are you a virgin?" (which actually wasn't it) but he answer and said three times, once at a room in a rave no less. The last question he asked his younger brother was whether or not he had done weed and he replied "only once". So he explained that he himself does weed regularly. After hearing about his own brothers exploits, he confessed that he had done weed more than once.
The thing that surprised me the most about this story, as he explained it, was that as a last remark, his younger brother said that the one thing that he would never try again was coke. We are learning about topics such as bodily autonomy in school but keep in mind, this is a thirteen year old kid that has had more action than myself. I don't think that what he was doing was bad, it just brought me back to the reality of life: nothing is as it seems. We just learn to view the world in different ways which I feel, leads us closer and closer to maturity.

I Sound Like A Little Bitch

I don't know what to do anymore, I just feel as though we have gotten a little more separate. I mean without the drugs we are nothing or rather we have nothing to talk about. I guess it's me.. Or her.. I don't even know. I just have the sinking feeling like if we were in a relationship it would be awkward and end in like a week. Maybe she just doesn't like me and really wants someone else. I just don't want it to be weird. This is Weird. I need to grow a pair. I don't know I just have so many doubts what if I lay myself out there and it just blows up.

Competition.

It makes us do some crazy shit, but at least it helps to understand what we are willing to do to get what we want. Even if the reward is something ephemeral, we have an inherent urge to seek it, but it is what we value that keeps us in it to win it. Right now I have identified a common goal between me and a friend that I once considered to be close (due to lack of communication i don't know where we are) have. The prize (maybe a degrading term to use) is someone that I have gotten close to in the last year or so.

I wouldn't say that it is a competition, because although I know that my friend KNOWS I like this person, he doesn't know that i have set my sights on that person in counter to him, and have already analyzed the situation. When I think about it, I can't seem to find a legitimate reason to justify how childish this may sound. I know that I should let the cards fall where they may so to speak, but I can't help to envision the satisfaction of not only getting the girl but crushing the little prick in the process. I find this person great but It gets harder and harder to relate to this friend because of the gap that lies between himself and I.

My biggest problem is that I am half introvert that hates everyone and half extrovert that just wants to be surrounded and liked by everyone (something that I envy about this friend). I think that I need to take a step back and let loose because right while I am here contemplating the thoughts that I have, I am a slave to the introvert that lingers in the social aspect of my life while my friend lives a fine life of full extrovertness.

My second problem is that I am a big pussy (an introvert quality that has always held me back). The rationale in my mind is that I liked her first therefore you should back off, but when I was able to make a move, I didn't. I am extremely fond of this girl, I just let my fear of not only rejection but also of a relationship (something that I have not even been in) stop me from going up to her and asking her out. I still feel like there is a subtle rivalry (in my head) that I want to win, but now, I feel like I want to win to help out my own self-esteem as well.

You.

What is it that makes the world shake and fall before you? It is the stunning brilliance that you emit from the very core of your being. You are the special light that: in the dark and dullness of everyday life, shines a smile on our mundane faces. It takes a lot to make us see beyond the ordinary and it is exactly the vivace in which you live your life that helps us to do so. Maybe I am delusional but it is hard to escape the nut-vice you have on me and although I may not always feel this, just know that for now you are the singer in my life and I like it that way.

I hate blogging.

I had a very excellent thought On My last post and now it is gone. Gaw.

Parents.

We "kids" are often singled out as just that, kids because of the fact that we are all stuck to the conformity of those we know as "adults". Why is it that adults treat kids as kids but expect them to act like adults when they themselves act childish at times. It is an annoying anomaly that is down right stupid. But until we are legally classified as adults we will not fully see the silver lining of paternal despotism, rather the flawed interface of being a poor little kid.